Mother's Day

I've slipped off to write this post because today is Mother's Day and I am absolutely refusing to clear the table, wash the dishes or fold even one tiny towel from the six loads of laundry that are currently inhabiting my couch. I'm not going to do it. No matter that I've been sick for a week and my house looks like a major tornado blew through it a few days ago. I have the right of refusal today -- and I'm refusing to clean, pick up, launder, wipe down, fold or throw away. Nope. I'm off to my scrapbook table. Right after my nap.

For your reading enjoyment, here are a few favorite thoughts from the great philosopher, Erma Bombeck.

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your prospective mother-in-law before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined, "Are you saving the bananas for anything?"

Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

Happy Mother's Day!